Monday, August 15, 2005

Testing update

First of all, thank you all for your comments and advice. Although I didn’t get any male POV’s, all you ladies pretty much confirmed my own thoughts on the matter, and between you, you’ve given me a few suggestions for approaches to try.

I have mentioned my reasons for be twitchy to him, however we were already in ‘row’ mode by that point so I don’t know if he actually ‘heard’ me. The problem there is that he hates it when I tar him with the same brush as my ex, i.e. I worry about something happening with him simply because it happened with my ex. I can see why he hates it, I just wish he could see that it’s not him so much as the ‘once bitten’ worries.

I have also offered to call and make the appointment for him but so far that suggestion ahs been ignored, not even dignified with a no.

Since I wrote my last post I haven’t mentioned it to him at all. To try and be fair to him, in the four/five? weeks since I first told him that it needed doing, he’s been away on business for one whole week and one Tuesday-Thursday trip and he’s away again from today until Thursday, and when he’s not away he’s very very busy at work. I’ve decided to try and leave it until at least the end of next week before I bring it up again.

Thursday last was a bad day for me because I’d already started sliding into my depressive pit (not sure why specifically) and the row I had with him that afternoon just gave me a good hard shove into it. I hardly said two words to him that evening or the next morning. Friday evening wasn’t quite so bad because we had a couple of friends coming over to play games (boardgames that is) so I had to be sociable (the old British stiff upper lip dotchewknow). Saturday I had a reflexology appointment and I talked through a lot of it with S, my reflexologist, which helped (been seeing her for about 8 years now, so she knows me very well), then my Dad came to visit for the afternoon so I was forced to be sociable again. Saturday evening wasn’t too bad but I was moping again by bedtime and didn’t feel like going to bed. So I stayed up reading and then fell asleep on the sofa. Woke up at 5:30am because of the light coming in through the windows, with a crick in my neck, so I dragged myself up to bed to be greeted with a sleepy ‘So glad you could join us’ from Wookiee (even when he’s 95% asleep he’s still a sarky git). Sunday morning (well practically lunchtime) when I crawled out of my pit, I just mooched downstairs and flopped on the sofa for some more moping. Around 2pm we established that we needed to do some grocery shopping so off we went. As we strolled round Asda I found myself getting almost panicky whenever he left me alone to fetch something from the shelves, so much so that by the end of the trip I was almost clinging to him, which is not like me at all.

From his point of view I got that he thought I was angry with him on Thursday and Friday which is why I wasn’t speaking to him and it wasn’t until Saturday lunchtime that he started to think there might be something else going on. What got me moping again on Saturday evening, though, was the fact that he seemed to be ignoring my condition, when what I really needed was for him to push me into talking to him. I wanted to talk, but I couldn’t actually make myself do it, couldn’t find the energy. So he didn’t push and I couldn’t, so it took my inward panicking in Asda to cuddle up to him and then I felt a lot better, and we had a more normal day from that point on.

He doesn’t know that it was him getting stroppy over the whole test thingy that pushed me over the edge, we didn’t actually talk about why I had been so depressed this time, and it’s still lurking in the background but I’m trying not to think about it for now.

Anyway I have loads else to worry about but this post is already massive so I’ll tell you more tomorrow.