Tuesday, April 26, 2005

The Wee Ravening Beastie

Anyone who has ever followed a weight loss plan, especially those doing Weight Watchers or Slimming World or any other scheme that makes you show up for a weekly torture session weighing in, where you mock sympathise with those who have inexplicably gained weight this week whilst secretly gloating that once again you’ve managed to lose. These people will know about the effect that the monthly(ish) visitor has on your weight.

Since I’ve been going to WW this time I’ve had two weeks where I gained weight. When the second time occurred exactly 4 weeks after the first my leader queried whether it was that week. I didn’t have the heart to tell her that my cycle hasn’t been 4 weeks long since 1996.

That actually reminds me of a funny story from when I did WW before. The leader I had then used to refer to the weight gain accompanying the monthly visitor as a ‘star week’. So if you hopped on the scales and you’d put on a pound or two you simply said ‘It’s my star week’ and all would be forgiven. In this class there was a very rare individual indeed, a male. Many times he’d heard women getting on the scale and explaining away their weight gain with the words ‘it’s a star week’. You know what’s coming don’t you. Sure enough, one week he got on the scales to discover that he’d gained weight and stated quite clearly to the leader ‘well it’s a star week’ and then wondered why all the ladies around him dissolved into fits of giggles.

OK, back to the point. Yes I do have a point. The point of all this is that I now know that the weight gain at that time of the month isn’t actually to do with retained water, or bloating or anything else like that. Oh no. It’s all down to the Wee Ravening Beastie! *dah, dah, daaaaaaaah*

This critter takes up residence in your tum the week before you’re due and proceeds to make your like hell for the next week. Suddenly your daily allocation of points, an amount that has been more than sufficient up till now, just isn’t enough, and it’s all down to the Wee Ravening Beastie. It sits there and goes “26 points, that’s barely a snack!”, “Yes I know you had a three course meal for lunch but I’m hungry again and if you don’t get yourself down to the chippy right now and get me a steak and kidney pie with a large chips and curry sauce then there’ll be trouble m’girl”, “Bedtime!, whaddya mean bedtime!, ok well if we have to then you’re going into that kitchen and getting a pint of milk and the rest of the chocolate orange you got for christmas and feeding it to me before you’re getting any sleep”.

Oh, and all the bleeding you do the next week. That’s nothing to do with reproduction, nah. That’s your body getting rid of the Wee Ravening Beastie for another month.